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AUTHOR EMAIL: Phendog@gmail.com


SUMMARY: 500 word drabble on Buffy’s thoughts in the final scene of Tabula Rasa on Giles’ leaving. Angsty.

FOR: Sherry, who issued me a private challenge to write what would have happened at the end of Tabula Rasa if Buffy had been so angry at his leaving that she had kidnapped Giles and chained him in Angel’s mansion in Crawford Street. Well, given all my other fic projects, and that my muse failed me on this one, I offer this 500 word drabble on the final scene in Tabula Rasa instead.

THANKS TO: ElizaBuffy, who betaed this late at night, even though all she really wants is some nice bit of fluff that I keep promising I’ll write…instead of all this angst all the time! *Phen hugs her cupcake and tat twin* Thanks, love!

DISCLAIMER: Joss owns all, and I'm really sad about it...

ALSO: I’d recommend downloading and listening to this song while reading: Goodbye to You by Michelle Branch just to put you in the mood for that final scene of the episode… (Just right click and ‘Save Target As’ PLEASE do not just click and listen…it’s REALLY not good for my bandwidth and if too many people do it, I’ll have to take it down)


The amber glass of the half-empty bottle was warming to the heat of her hands as she stared at it, the taste of the cheap beer growing sour in her mouth.

How could he, she wondered, as she was lost in the brown-gold of the bottle. How could he just leave? He had been her gift from the world, to make up for all the…shit it had heaped on her, trying to bury her underneath. Then, she had finally escaped and felt, for just a moment, what it was to be taken from the filth and made clean before suddenly having it all dumped on top of her once more, thicker than ever. She’d had to claw her way out, fighting to the surface, but she still felt it on her, making her skin crawl.

Then, there he had been, and, for a mere moment in his arms, she had found a tiny piece of heaven in all that hell. A miracle, his miracle. The bitterness welled up in her at that thought. If she was a miracle, why didn’t he stay?

Mentally, she wandered further. She didn’t know when his plane left, but there was always the chance she could still catch him, plead with him not to go, and make him listen when she said she needed him. If he refused, she knew she could overpower him, and force him to stay. She’d chain him to her, and trap him as she was trapped to the life her friends refused to let her escape.

In her mind, the chains suddenly became real. She imagined shackling him in Angel’s mansion on Crawford Street, railing at him, and dragging him into her hell until he understood and was again willing to share his tiny bit of heaven with her.

Then she realized the truth and wondered if that’s why she’d been shying away from him for the past few weeks. Though it had just now dawned on her, maybe she’d instinctually known all along. That comfort wasn’t meant for her…and it seemed he knew it too. He was untainted, and because of that, he feared her. In losing her chance at peaceful eternity, she’d been polluted so badly, everything she touched would be infected. Reality crashed down on her, and she knew the truth. If he stayed, her chains, real or imagined, would bind him and smother his heaven until there was nothing left. He should run. As far and as fast as he could.

Only when she was clean again, could he return to her. She had to burn it out, find a way to purge the wound of its pus. The only problem was, she didn’t know how.

In the background, the sounds of the band changed, and in the words she recognized the opening lines of ‘Goodbye to You.’ Of all the things I’ve believed in… The song washed over her. Buffy sat and stared, lost in its lyrics, and drowning in the amber glass hell.

END: 07/27/04
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